Humor Me
by IWantAPetBadger
Summary: See how the Yokai view on the modern world from the stand-up comedian Inuyasha and his snarky, pessimistic, and overall sarcasm riddled life.  Okay, maybe that's not quite it, but it does make us look like idiots.  Oneshot.


**This is an OOC AU- but stick with me. Imagine Inuyasha with his usual outlook on life, but smarter, wittier, and socially adept. It's the makings of a stand up comedian. Inuyasha, in the modern world, with a great career.**

**I do not own Inuyasha. I couldn't write him realistically anyway. But we'd all want to the person being paid to say true things cleverly. Social commentary from a yokai's view, and tongue-in-cheek. So here goes.**

**Inspiration from Eddie Izzard, Marcus Brigstocke, and Bill Maher- at least that's what I figure.**

**I am not responsible for the views and opinions of the comedians from which I drew inspiration for this fic.**

**Humor Me**

"Thank you, thank you _so much_- you've chosen to come here to listen to me complain instead of bonding with your family. I couldn't be more grateful about how you prioritize.

"Keep that up and your siblings will eventually figure you're not worth being considered a part of the family- it'll happen, just you wait.

"It'll all start with the little things, you tore the family apart, you got the better half the inheritance, I'm not the one with daddy issues, and it's all downhill from there.

"Next thing you know is that you're homeless and even the mafia are saying 'Doing business with you're sort? We'd get ourselves killed! You've got to be mad.'

"There's something I've noticed-and it's that the yokai in the twenty-first century are a bit toned down from previous ones. They either become academia then move to Oxford*, or you find them in peace protests.

"It was really back in the sixties that you'd notice the change in yokai attitudes. That's when we all had to form their own protest rallies with signs saying stuff like 'DON'T BE STUPID' and, 'SERIOUSLY, CALM DOWN' and my favorite, 'IT'S REALLY FREAKEY THAT HUMAN WEAPONS SURPASS YOKAI POWERS.'

"We even tried the approach rational argument, 'THEY'RE JUST DIFFERENT ECONOMIC SYSTEMS, IT'S NOT WORTH A GLOBAL APOCYLISPE.'

"I think that inwardly half of the yokai in the protests were more about the shit 'n giggles when they sang _'All we are saying, is give peace a chance,' _with thousands of eyes glowing red.

"Then you add in the rhythmic waving of arms/tentacles/limbs/any other appendage, and the humans would stand there going, 'well, they look scary, but they're singing that peace song, so they probably aren't going to attack, but it could all just be a trick, but it's really unfair of me to assume that…'

"I mean, it's not like the hippies drew the line at non-human intelligences- but I really have to give all the aliens and robots some credit for taking the blows for us back then- it's really more because our slogans didn't gel so well with our contemporaries.

"What I don't remember is our protests getting much news coverage, and that hasn't changed one bit.

"Have you seen some of the recent slogans in yoaki protests of war? It's like our desire to make a statement has become so understated that the most common slogans are "WE'RE JUST GOING TO STAY OUT OF THIS ONE" and "THINGS ARE PRETTY OKAY." I even seen one that was a half-assed attempt at a giant question mark in bubble letters written in Crayola marker.

"You walk by and ask one in the protest what's it all about and they go, '_I don't know really, I think it's about the war._' 'Well, what about the war?' '_Um, well… we think that since it's war, so there's going to be a lot of killing, and in this society, that's kind of seen as a bad thing_.' 'So you're protesting just because it seem to be the socially acceptable thing to do?' '_I suppose so, yes._' 'Well, it seems to me that if something is socially acceptable, then people aren't going to take notice of it.' '_That would seem to be true_.' 'So how could a protest be affective then?' _"I don't know, really."_

"But we're long-lived creatures, the yokai. We've got to think about these things.

"And it's that attitude of understated reasonableness that's been carried throughout our society since then. You can see it in the movies we watch. We go to Lord of the Rings, and we say, "It was quite graphic actually, fighting from the very beginning. Now the Chronicles of Narnia, that's a charming movie. Such brave little children."

"Say nothing of A Clockwork Orange*.

"There's probably going to be a few passing comments about me just mentioning that movie on a radio shows: _'A small flurry of letters has recently flooded Baker Theater* in New York City in protest to half-demon comedian Inuyasha mentioning a classic horror film A Clockwork Orange twice in his act. The head of Baker Theater has issued no comment on the event. _

"And comedies are also getting hard to go to. Not unless it's proceeded by 'romantic.' And we can't laugh at slapsticks unless the actors go 'nyuk-nyuk-nyuk*."

"So we're in an awkward place. We got to fit into society without acting like the rest of it. We get accused of not being patriotic because of the low number of yokai in the military. But we have a good excuse, and it's 'Well that'd be a bit unfair, now wouldn't it?'

"Heaven forbid we abuse our power.

"We don't even get the whole robot apocalypse genre. Every time there's a trailer for one, there's always some armchair critic yokai saying 'This is so stupid! Why would humans get done dealing with yokai in one era and then try the whole robot slave thing?'

"So our apathy towards politics is what keeps the whole thing going, really. In fact I have an idea. All yokai should join those strange cults that don't really hurt anyone. You know, like the Green Sky People. No one really knows why they believe that the sky is green, but for whatever reason they feel it's better if they all live together somewhere in the Rockies. Maybe they realize it's not worth the argument and are willing to leave all those heathen Blue Sky People alone, because hey, it's not like their belief in a blue sky is causing any real harm.

"So that's the direction we've been going in for the last fifty years. Sorry, paranormal investigators, but theses days, when we say the word "sport," we're probably talking about badminton.

"Darts if we're feeling feisty.

"Honestly, how are we supposed to impress humans anymore? That's why we've become so apathetic. These are a people who are entertained by false violence. They thoroughly enjoy a villain whose completely bat-shit insane. Even back in the day, when Yokai were in their heyday, our taunts were blasé compared to humans. I mean, when was the last time you _really_ heard one of us come out with something like 'Well, depending on the time, he could be in one place, or several.'

"Even the aliens are beating us: 'Cybermen are superior in only one aspect.' _'What is that?' _'You are better at dying.'

"But then if you've chosen to make enemies with the Doctor, you've got to be on the top of your game.

"Come on, people, nothing works as good as a witty remark.

"It's the shock factor humans go for now. Mutually Assured Destruction is what started it off. It's not the size of the army that's supposed to scare the other side, but the idea that you are perfectly willing to ravage any and all psychological stability of you and your people if necessary to win.

"And in a lot of cases, yokai look at the situation and just sort of figure they can win. The good news is that it's a risk that usually plays out poorly for you only once. Otherwise they go, 'I'm not entirely sure I like the prospects… it might just be easier to forget about it.'

"That's what I did, and now anyone in the spotlight that messes up is cannon fodder for me, because that's what you, the People, want. You've been a lovely audience, and I'm so thankful you're not complete bastards, thank you and good night.

*I love you, Britain. I promise to visit someday.

*Not for children under the age of 16. And it's a mind-twister.

*I made this one up, so don't go looking for it.

*The Three Stooges, incase you young'uns don't know the reference.


End file.
